a new petrol station opened last week around the corner.

there was no great fanfare - possibly they were too embarrassed by how late it was, and how ugly it is - like they transplanted a highway monstrosity into our little Federation suburb. Anyway. It’s open now. Although it still doesn’t have an Icee machine, which makes it a failure in the eyes of an 11 year old boy.

For a treat, I suggested that we drive through the new automated car wash. I’ve never done it before, although I’ve been a passenger in one. And it was cheap enough to go for the souped-up carwash, including the polish, wheel clean and undercarriage.

We paid and drove to the entrance. The computer-controlled sign at the top said zero minutes wait. So we drove down the driveway. Stuff-up number one: there were two cars in front. 10 minute delay.

When it was almost our turn, we noticed that the car in the car wash was stopped and doing nothing. They waited. Then they drove out while the light was still red. That was a mistake. The computer control immediately said “car wash temporarily unavailable”. We got out of the car, told the cars behind us what was wrong, and walked up to the counter.

‘Oh that happens sometimes’ they said. Not very impressive in a brand new car wash. Apparently it’s very sensitive, and you have to have your handbrake on. So he reset the car wash and told us to drive in.

We drove in, put on the handbrake, and waited.

The shampoo. The rinse. And……

No dry. No polish. No green light.

We sat and waited a few more minutes. They guys behind us got antsy, so we drove out and back up to the main counter, again.

They said it really was sensitive, said we really had to put the handbrake on (duh, we did), turn the engine off, drive straight, and not move. Wow. Not much fun for kids.

They said they would come down and wait to see that it worked for us this time.

The computer said zero minutes wait time.

Oops. A queue of two cars.

Another 10 minutes.

Gee, the assistant got bored, and decided not to wait for us after all.

We drive in, very slowly, very straight. Put on handbrake, turn off engine. Don’t move.

Shampoo. Rinse. No dry. No polish. No green light.

We wait a few more minutes. We beep and toot.

Everyone behind us backs out up the driveway.

No help from the petrol station.

It’s been an hour since we first got here.

Will I ever go back to the Mosman BP Petrol Station Car Wash?

Not on your life.